I dream too much. Maybe they are nightmares. But, no. I’m wide awake. And they are not movies in my head. They are just thoughts, inspiration or aspiration. Call it what you want. But they come, there’s no stopping them coming.
I can list them, but I’m too lazy to jot them down. I forget easily. Perhaps there are other priorities occupying my head. For instance, what to have for breakfast. Do I have enough to pay for it? How do one dream when one’s breakfast is on hold?
Back in `77, there were 5 of us, apprentices, ages 18 or 19. one of them said, “Dude, your nose says that you're a dreamer”. I remember as a 10 year old how my nose sweats. Are these signs to our character? My mom used to say, “don't be as hot as chicken dung”. A malay idiom. You know, they cool very fast. Guess I got stucked. Between dreams and priorities. Never finishing what I started. Was it a curse unconsciously served on me?
Am I trying to blame somebody? I don't need to. What I need is to make a living. Though it looks like I'm hardly trying. I just read something, written by a very young lady. A reminder. Maybe I should turn to god. But god never changes us, unless we want to. We have to show we wanted to, but at times, even with effort, life still is stucked. Determination should be the order of the day. But we still need a goal. A target, not just a will. We need to know what we want to do. Do we let others show us or do we make that decision our selves. Did they influence us? Actually, rarely do I hear encouragement from those around me. Is it because my ideas are absurd or just plain stupid?
But the reality is, I only try to get others to help me. That’s the truth. I have to do everything myself, but aren't we in a community? Yeah, but there's only so much the community can do for you. But I did try, didn't I? Continuity, perseverance. That is something I don’t have. So I’m weak, is that it?
The dream, hope, inspiration and aspiration continues.